


The Gift That Keeps On Giving

by Neroli66



Category: Firefly
Genre: Crack, Gen, Rayne-ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-09-22
Updated: 2006-09-22
Packaged: 2019-09-15 11:40:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16932609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neroli66/pseuds/Neroli66
Summary: Badger tries to woo River, Jayne tries to protect her, hi-jinks ensue.





	The Gift That Keeps On Giving

**Author's Note:**

> More crack!fic, inspired by my own bizarre imagination and encouraged by [](https://fairandbright.livejournal.com/profile)[**fairandbright**](https://fairandbright.livejournal.com/). Un-beta’d, mostly anyway…[](https://fairandbright.livejournal.com/profile)[](https://fairandbright.livejournal.com/) **fairandbright** did catch one boo boo for me when I c/p‘d it for her in LJ chat.  
> ETA: You all can thank [](https://fairandbright.livejournal.com/profile)[](https://fairandbright.livejournal.com/)**fairandbright** for the punch, she MADE ME!! Reached right through LJ chat and twisted my arm right off...it's a better crack!fic for it.

Jayne sat down on the ramp above Serenity’s cargo bay and glowered down at the rat below. Badger had been getting awfully chummy with the cargo bay ever since Miranda and Jayne didn’t like it one bit.

Hell, even Mal didn’t like it but the man had been bringing them good jobs lately so he was putting up with it for now. Course, it wasn’t cuz he’d warmed up to none of _them_ , no, it was the new pilot he was trying to get in good with.

Which bugged Jayne six ways to Sunday.

Now he was standing down there like he owned the place, keeping guard over that raggedy crate he’d brought with him. It was kinda rattling and Jayne would put money on there being some kind of critter inside, but Badger hadn’t let no one near it.

Not till Simon got River from the cockpit, he’d said.

 _Húndàn_ , a man like Badger hadn’t any business wooing the _fong luh_ girl and bringing her rabid critters in cages.

Even if she _did_ look kinda cute with that new haircut ‘Nara had given her. Much as he liked long hair on a woman, he had to admit the soft curls that now framed her face were mighty appealing.

He liked the way they kinda bounced when she walked about the place. And she was starting to fill out those baggy dresses of hers a bit more now that they was all eating more regular like.

The fact that she’d stopped throwing up most of what Simon stuffed down her probably helped too. And the sleeping better, not that he noticed the way her eyes were all bright and shiny now that they weren’t smudged dark with exhaustion half the time.

His eyes narrowed as he caught sight of River hovering uncertainly in the doorway. Her gaze was fixed on the crate at Badgers feet, she looked almost as horrified as when they‘d watched that damn hologram.

Gorramit, if she’d only toss that look Badger’s way once in a while he wouldn’t have to sit here and make sure the fool girl didn’t run off with the creep and leave them all stranded.

But no, she had to go and be nice to him, well, if you considered the snooty way she talked down to him _nice_. Even Simon had nothing on her in the snooty department when Badger was around. But she was never out right rude or nothing, never told him to go get his nuts off elsewhere.

Badger seemed to take the lack of an out right “get lost“ as a sign of encouragement, must be the accent she still used every time he was around.

That accent seemed to crawl under Jayne’s skin like a bad itch, made him want to smash something. Preferably something that looked like Badger’s face.

“Ah, there ya are love,’ Badger scurried over to River’s side, ratty crate in tow.

River recoiled and Jayne really started to wonder what horror Badger had brought on board. Trust the man not to notice that the object of his affection was looking to bolt in fear any second now. Jayne inched over towards the staircase.

“Got you a present,” Badger set the crate down and opened it with a flourish, oblivious to the look of terror on River’s face as he came up holding, well, Jayne weren’t sure _what_ the gorramn thing was but it was mighty freaky looking.

“They’re all the rage on the Core,” he went on, “all the folks of standing want one and this one is…”

River cut him off with a bloodcurdling scream as the thing unwound it’s spindly limbs and jumped at her.

It was definitely some kind of rodent, Jayne decided as he ran down the stairs to pull the thing off her.

It already had two fists full of her hair and it’s long-assed tail wrapped around her neck. He’d never seen a tail like that before.

The thing got even freakier looking as it turned his way. Big red eyes seemed to glare at him balefully as it screeched at him. Of course, that made reaching out to start untangling it from River’s hair all the more unpleasant.

Especially since they were now both screaming in his face.

“What the gorram hell’s going on here?” Mal shouted above the din of River and rodent expressing their mutual displeasure.

“You,” Mal took one look at the scene before him and angrily pointed at Badger, “off my boat and take that damn thing with you.”

Jayne was still trying to pry the other fist out of River’s hair when it decided to bolt up into the rafters.

The armful of crazy girl he got as soon as the thing let her go stopped him from pulling his gun on it.

He barely had time to register that Mal was aiming at it and Simon and Zoë had joined them before River had managed to climb up him and wrap herself around his neck; nearly tipping them both over in the process.

“You can’t shoot it,” Badger protested; like Mal’d listen to him after the stunt he’d pulled, Jayne thought with a smirk. “That there’s a precious commodity, worth a fortune.”

“Then I suggest you get it off my boat right quick,” Mal drawled, “’fore I deal with it myself. _Dong ma_?”

Badger glared at the Captain for a moment before turning and calling one of his thugs in. Jayne had to admit the man had a decent aim as he calmly looked up where Badger was pointing and downed the beast with one smooth shot of tranquilizer.

Least someone had the sense to be prepared in case it all went to hell in a hand basket. Might have to try and pick one of those up, could come in handy if Mal wanted someone put out quiet like without killing them.

A blissful silence followed the soft thump of the creature hitting the deck.

Even River’s sobbing subsided, not that most could hear it anyway. Way the girl had her face buried in his neck muffled the sound pretty good for the others.

They all watched as Badger’s hired gun collected the thing and put it in the crate before leaving.

“I’m sorry, love,” he muttered awkwardly at River’s back, one hand started to reach out to pat her reassuringly.

Jayne couldn’t help himself, he saw that bastard’s face getting closer and his fist seemed to develop a mind of it’s own.

Next thing he knew Badger was standing back up with a trickle of blood coming out his nose and Mal was telling him to stand down with a firm “Jayne”.

But River whispered a soft “thank you” and he almost thought she pressed her lips against his neck for a fleeting second. It was probably just some stray hair or something though, River wouldn’t really have kissed him, would she?

Badger wiped the blood off on his sleeve. There was an awkward silence as he waited for Mal to make some kind of restitution, but Jayne wasn’t worried. In spite of Mal’s making him stop at just the one punch, he was fairly sure Mal was more amused than pissed off.

“Weren’t you getting off my boat?“ Mal asked Badger with that dangerous politeness only he could pull off. Jayne kinda admired that.

Badger risked one last look at River, and got another glare from Jayne, before turning to go, tail tucked firmly between his legs.

“What the hell was that thing?” Mal asked, turning to Simon.

“It was a lemur,” he replied. Oh great, Jayne thought, here comes the schooling.

“River is deathly afraid of them,” Simon went on, ignoring the collective “No shit“ the rest of them muttered.

“She saw a program on the Cortex when she was quite young and became convinced one lived under her bed and was going to drag her under if it got a hold of her legs.”

“Little hands, little feet,” River murmured, lifting her head just enough so the others could hear. “Big eyes, eyes that see in the dark, can‘t hide from them. Eyes to big for their face. It‘s not natural.”

Jayne shifted uncomfortably under the three sets of eyes now studying him and River. It took him a moment to realize why Zoë and Mal were looking so amused and Simon was starting to sputter.

He remembered River wrapping her arms around his neck and all, but when had she wrapped her legs around his waist? He thought it might have been around the time he’d grabbed her ass while trying to keep them in balance.

And um, maybe he should move his hands a bit. And get her to loosen her legs some. Damn, she had some mighty strong thighs to be holding onto him like that.

“River, sweetie,” Zoë spoke for the first time since this mess started, “think you might want to let Jayne go now?”

“No,” River said, snuggling herself up tighter against him, “this primate I like.”

Jayne wasn’t sure if the groan elicited by River’s rubbing her chest against him would come out first or the bark of laughter at Simon’s expression as the Doc‘s ass hit the floor.  



End file.
